What I wouldn't give to have those first 3 months back, before Gabe got sick. The memories I have of those short months are sparse and repressed, but they are there. Lately I've been thinking about them and as I said, wanting to do anything to get those moments back. How I would have cherished them, if I'd only known what lay ahead.
I recall taking all 3 kids to the grocery store ONCE. Brooke was walking, Faith was in the seat, and Gabe in his carseat in the cart. That left little room for any groceries! Ah, a memory. My mom and I took the 3 of them to Chuck-E-Cheese once. She has a picture of me with the little ones and I look completely stressed and frazzled. What I wouldn't give to have that moment again! Holding Gabe as a tiny baby!
Shaun and I took Gabe to John's Hopkins when he was a few months old to have a rash checked out. I remember the car ride with him, sitting in the backseat nursing him. The memories are so vivid, yet they seem so far away. Brooke used to sit next to me and pretend to nurse her baby doll as I sat, covered, nursing Gabe. :)
I have come to grips over the last year with my life, and Gabe's life, but it's been hard. There is so much I could write... so many thoughts to share... but this doesn't seem like the right place to share my deepest thoughts.
As I sit and hold Gabe, as I did this evening, as I wait for the nurse to come 3 1/2 hours late due to the ice and snow, and as Gabe smiles and belly-laughs and cooes, a glimmer of hope fills me. Just as easily, the glimmer of hope can be snatched away. For all I know, the nurse could call at any moment and say she's not coming. There is so sense of security in having Gabe. My security was taken away December 24, 2006 when life as I knew it halted and Gabe went into the hospital for 8 months.
I have been pondering why I am such a scrooge at the holiday time. I don't like to decorate, get out all the Christmas boxes, get a tree and have to decorate it. It all seems like such a hassle! See, told you I was a Scrooge. But the real reason why is because 2 years ago, Christmas never happened. My Christmas dinner was never eaten. Gabe's presents were never opened. I never packed up my Christmas decorations that year or even got to enjoy the lights outside. When I packed Gabe up that Sunday morning and took him to Shady Grove ER, I never in my worst dreams could have imagined what lay ahead of me, Gabe, and our family. My life... my perfect little life, neatly packaged and organized by yours truly, was about to be snatched out of my hands. I still haven't reclaimed my life but now trust the One who does.
I don't blame God or hate him for taking my life, my plans away from me. I have. The last year has been incredibly difficult to get through. With any joy or hope or any sense of peace and happiness. But I can't imagine it any other way. To live any other way but in this "wastefulness of grace." (I think the author of The Shack uses this term somewhere in the book).
May you find your sense of security and hope in Him alone; not in man or traditions, but in His amazing grace.
3 comments:
Rachel, I don't know what to say except that "I'm sorry". I'm sorry your life and all that you had planned came crashing down around you two years ago. I'm sorry you hurt and I'm sorry life has to be so difficult. I will never understand the WHY of it all. You clearly have a strong faith and that, above all else, is what will see you through this life.
What comes to mind is the Serenity Prayer - something I carry with me and pray often:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
~~~~~~~~
The part of the Serenity Prayer that really hits home for me is part about being "reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy in the next." Before I had Jack, my life was all about being happy in the here and now. My focus was on me and my happiness - after all, wasn't I entitled to be happy? I'd worked hard and did everything "right". Why shouldn't I get to live the perfect life I had planned.
As you well know, happiness has a whole new meaning once you have a child with medical/special needs. The Serenity Prayer reminds me that I will never be "perfectly" happy in this life and it's very reassuring for me to know that, if all goes well, someday I will get to experience perfect happiness . . . for eternity. (and hopefully, lots of sleep too :-).
Letting go of the expectation that I would somehow get back to my pre-Jack happiness and recognizing that I am "reasonably happy" has lifted a huge burden I carried for so long.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this difficult day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I too hope to meet you someday.
With love,
Ann
(sorry this is so long!)
Rachel, this post made me cry. I am constantly thinking of you and Gabe and your family. I've been thinking a lot lately about where it is that I find my security, and confronted with the fact that it may be less in God and more in other things that I try to control. Your words are so wise and reflective of the struggle that you have endured. I am both grateful for and challenged by your honesty.
Rachel,
With tears in my eyes I have to tell you that your faith and your honesty are so incredible. My new favorite verse is Isaiah 26:12 "Lord, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us." I think the thing that is most powerful when I look at your life is that you're there...you so acknowledge your dependance on Him and to see you walk that out in the midst of hard things is such an encouragement to me. We pray daily (I really mean that) for your family and for Gabe. Love you.
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