Father's Love

One of my favorite things to hear is Shaun speaking to Gabe. When Shaun comes in the room to see Gabe first thing in the morning, he usually says something like, "How's my number-one son? That's my boy! That's my son!" Even just typing those words brings stinging tears to my eyes because of pride in his voice. Gabe is not up at the plate hitting a home run. He's not kicking a goal in soccer (yet). He is laying in bed, sleeping, smiling, just hanging out and being "Gabe" but, that's his son. Shaun loves Gabe, immensely, unconditionally, to the ends of the earth, because he's his son.

So it is with the love of our Heavenly Father. Isn't that a reassuring thought? He loves us... just because. Even though we may not be particularly outstanding, spectacular or perfect. Even when we feel like we're totally failing in every single area and are actually quite sub-par to even being a good person.

When I was growing up, my parents always told Heather and I how proud they were of us. I didn't really "get" why. Whenever they gave me a card - for my birthday, graduations, etc. - they always wrote, "We love you so much and we are so proud of you." I actually used to kind of scoff at the statement because it seemed kind of generic (sorry Mom and Dad!!!!!!) I love you guys!!!

But I didn't understand why they wrote that and said that until I became a parent myself. Now I get it. I love my children for absolutely no reason except that they are my children. It is such a feeling of overwhelming love and pride, that there aren't even really any words to express it, except...

"I love you so much. I'm so proud of you."

Just because.

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I am so grateful for Gabe and the lessons I continue to learn from him. Just about every day I feel like our family learns something new.

Thankfulness... When I am tempted to wallow in self-pity and question God as to why Gabe still isn't "healed," He reminds me that 2 years ago Gabe was in a hospital room fighting for his life. Our family was torn apart and I couldn't be with the rest of my family (just as Carla and MckMama are experiencing right now).

Patience... Just yesterday I was moping around at the fact that it was a beautiful day and I couldn't just be watching Brooke, Faith and Gabe running around outside; it makes quite a lot of work lugging Gabe's machines around to get outside and my back has been killing me for the past 5 days. So we were stuck inside on a gorgeous day and I was thinking, "God, why won't you do a miracle in Gabe?" I was reminded once again...Gabe has received healing.

Gabe had a lung disease in early 2007 that caused him a lot of difficulty breathing and he continuously needed extra oxygen - sometimes up to 2 or 3 Liters. Now, he doesn't need oxygen and I fully believe he is healed from the lung disease'

Gabe had no immune system at birth. He had no immunity to fight off sicknesses and a simple cold could very well be life-threatening. Now, Gabe has a fully functioning immune system, thanks to the bone marrow donor, and is able to fight off germs.

Gabe had a terrible disease called pulmonary hypertension. His heart had to work overtime to pump oxygenated blood from his heart to his lungs. Combined with the lung disease, his heart would often walk a fine line between working and giving out, and often times his heart lost. Gabe used to need Nitric Oxide (a gas) to keep his heart working properly and also the Viagra, which helped bring the blood pressure off his heart and down... you know. He has been off Viagra for about 6 weeks now and his heart is pumping away just fine. Thank you God.

That just leaves...his brain. The biggest miracle of them all. We have seen marked improvement, but the dependence on the ventilator and lack of waking up/interacting continues to stare us in the face like a giant.

If Gabe did not have the ventilator, suffice to say our lives would be soooo much easier, as all my other vent moms know :)

With the weather changing and lots of outside activities to do, I am all about taking as many opportunities as possible and trying to "live our lives." It's just, hard. To do simple things, anything. And I feel guilty that as a mother I am not able to give the kind of attention I would like to, to all 3 of my children.

Well I could keep rambling on but am going to go watch Jon and Kate go green...

More thoughts to come later!!!

Good night.