Stares

You don't know how long it took me to find an image of a person staring ~ most of the images I found were men staring at butts. :)

So I started this post yesterday after a trip to the mall. You can probably see where this is going. It was a tough trip. Lisa was there, and all 3 of her daughters, and her daughter's nurse, and my daughters, so it should have been a good trip.

Gabe had some issues with de-sating, which is nothing new, but I am beginning to see that his "seizure-like episodes" are the main cause of most all of his de-saturations. He had quite a few in the mall, which manifest themselves in stiffness of his body, red face, jerking, twitching, drooling, and then de-sating. We then have to give him breaths to bring his oxygen up.

This is none too familiar for us... nothing out of the ordinary. Gabe acting up when we're out :) Just kidding, it's not his fault. The hardest part, besides the "stares" which is what I'm getting to, is just wondering when it's ever going to get easier. I know it HAS gotten easier over the last two years. Sure, we can pack him up and load him much quicker, it's not too intimidating anymore since we do it all the time. He is more stable than he used to be -- for the most part. Except when he's having all his "episodes."

But, when is it going to get EASIER? Like not having to worry about maintaining your child's LIFE when you're doing an ordinary thing like shopping. Most mothers don't have to worry about whether their children are going to de-saturate or not, whether their children will come unplugged from their life-line of a ventilator, or that the very machine that is breathing life into your child will fail. I see Moms with their little boys running around, walking, playing, and it's so hard. Don't they think I want that too for my son? Some days are harder than others, some days it bothers me and some days (on a good day) it doesn't really. Because I love Gabe for who he is. I don't see the machines and the tubes, I see a sweet little boy who has gone through so much....my son. I only wish I didn't have to worry about the stupid machines and tubes - wouldn't it be nice if they could take care of themselves so I can just enjoy my baby boy?

This leads me to the stares. I don't mean just the glances; sometimes curious, sometimes sympathetic, sometimes incredulous.

I mean the stop-you-in-your-tracks, head turning, eyes wide opened, mouth curled down in a disgusted frown, gawks and stares.

They do happen. They happened quite frequently yesterday as we were at a more upscale shopping mall than the local one I usually go to. And boy do they hurt! I don't know if it hurts because he's my son, he is a child, yes, he is different and has machines that most other kids don't, but he's a human being for goodness sake. He's not like a monster or a half-animal, half-human we're pushing around. He is a beautiful little boy who has gone through so much and has fought so hard to even be alive today. He has feelings, he has emotions, and guess what, I do too!!

But these people don't care. He's different, he looks different, he moves different, and so in our society, that warrants you to even look around people to get a good view, to stare for much longer than necessary, to not even try to hide your suprised or disgusted expression, and to let your disapproval and superiority be known.

If only they knew. Him. His story. His life. The reasons. But they never will....

Now, I know what you're thinking. If you were in their shoes, wouldn't you look? I mean, Gabe is different and people are curious. I've had people (friends) say this to me :)

I'm not talking about these people. Yes, I would probably look too if I saw Gabe and didn't know him. But would I flat-out stare and gawk? I would hope not. Now that I'm this side of the fence, I know it makes me think more about how I react to people who are different (and how I have reacted in the past - yikes). Let us remember they have feelings too, and that behind every person there is a story! And a mother! Who's gone through heck to get to where they are now.